“Men only think and look for sex!”
“A gay man wouldn’t mind if you touch his ass”
“Men always want more sex, more partners and the wilder the better”
Are gay men hypersexual? Are all men?
As a young man, i was working in a summer camp, as i sat on the bed with 6 early teenagers, talking about girls and what they did, almost did, what to do…their struggle to understand how to flirt with the girl they like and what the hell do you suppose to do after you get a date, one of them stood up against the bulk bed and with fucking motions shouted “i want to fuck! i want to fuck! i want to fuckkkkkkkk!!!!” In just a brief second we all looked shocked, and then a big crazy laugh started.
They were all high on hormones (stronger then any pill that exists) and felt identified. I, on the other hand, was overwhelmed by this. Exploration of horniness that has no direction nor depth, just body.
After the laugh and the flush of hormones they became again the same sweet kids, playing and running around. Childish and shy around the girls that were much more mature and could handle the boys better than we, the crew, could.
Machismo keeps on being the generator of much sorrow and violence against women and men all around the world. Toxic masculinity some call it, competitive culture and patriarchy by others.
Gay men are in a complicated place. they are the victim of this toxic masculinity and we defy patriarchal society from our very existence. But we were also brought up as men, enjoying the privileges, and respecting the gender roles for own survival (some of us more than others).
Our sexuality for centuries was outlawed, we had to take every opportunity we could find. We risked ourselves in public toilets, parks and other visible places where the authority or familiar person can destroy our life in moments. so we had sex when we could, with whom it was possible in the conditions presented. Today, following the development of gay life, we enjoy our promiscuous life style to celebrate our sexuality and freedom, but at times, to a point of destruction.
Can I refuse a touch? Can I be ‘not in the mood’ in a gay sex bar? Can I say no to a blowjob from a ‘hot’ guy? (What is hot anyway?) can I hug only? Kiss only?
For many of us in the gay scene, the answer is not very clear… In my twenties, inviting a sexdate home or going to someone’s else’s, it had a clear rule (at least in my head, but not only mine). Unless I reject them on the front door or in the first 5 minutes chat, I have to go all the way.
Looking back, I try to count the amount of sex I had that I or my partner where not really into it.
Many years went by and the relation between my sexuality and my desires were not clear anymore. I wanted sex, I got sex-why am I looking for more and more.
In the last decade, I have been giving workshops for men who like to meet, touch and grow together with other men.
A repeating theme that come up many times in tantra workshops is the expectations we have before (hypersexual event, orgies and…) to what is really happening behind the curtains.
Gay men in the city have many options in the public and the private sphere to explore their sexuality, to have sex using applications, dark rooms, clubs, organised orgies and private sex parties.
When they come to a tantra workshop, it’s when they are ready for something different.
Don’t get me wrong, we offer a new world of sensations and methods you can take home or the next sex party and make your sex longer, better and more…. but our main work is really to connect your mind with your emotions, your desires with your self worth and your soul with your dick. And that will change all your relations, not only the sexual ones.
But during the workshops, although we are all gay men, most of us with many years of dark room experience. Still, issues of sexual violence and crossed limits keep coming up. I can’t count the times were I had to intervene in the workshop to keep everyone safe, and more than a few situation were people felt bad afterwards because their limit crossed, limits they did not know they had, didn’t know they are allowed to have.
“You know, men always like to have their dick sucked or to be touched”. I heard it so many times, from so many men, but really? Do they really?
The answer is no.
In our body, we have the fight and flight reflex. Whenever we enter a risky situation, our system enter an emergency state. Can I fight and run? Should I freeze and wait? In that moment our body decide and not us. It is not just an assessment of power balance, it’s also an assessment of the cultural and social context. How am I expected to act. Am I allowed to say no? How do you say no and not hurting your partner? How can we feel if our partner is into what we are offering?
Can we learn to listen to our bodies? Can we learn to take care of ourselves?
Insist we are not here to resist the touch, we are here to celebrate the love?
What is it that you really like right now, with me?
What is it that I really like right now, with you?
Is the something we can do together?
Do we like to be creative and find it out?
This is an open invitation. Come and join us☺