The other day I had some amazing all heart tantric sex, doing all the things I like, pleasuring another man. When it was all done, I had this feeling of running away. Like when I was single and young (well not only….). Running from the scene, feeling awkward. This time it was more conscious – I wanted to hold my baby. I was conflicted between being kind and sensual after a nice encounter, wanting to hug and chat and the need to go back home to my baby. What a strange gut feeling it was: I am not whole anymore by myself, part of me is outside of me. Writing it turns my stomach upside down – my challenge in the next years will be to separate and let this miracle be their own person.
What an amazing high I had in the first months after Itai was born. All seemed possible and beautiful and looking at this baby daily still fills my heart.
Talking with single moms made me think, why make things complicated and have two or more people involved? A good friend of mine was telling me how much she is relieved not to have to make decisions with anyone else but herself: “things are more easy this way, I make my mistakes and no one judges me”.
This resonates with me quite a lot. Tensions between Gracia and me are almost daily matters, we are old friends and we are both conflicted between the feeling of “we know what Itai needs now” and at the same time “we have no clue”. The knowing part is logical but part of it is also projection, passion and strong feelings. Being a therapist I learned and felt many times the power of projections through the mistakes I made along the way. Projection is a complicated thing; it contains something beautiful called empathy, and turns it into believing you know what’s best for someone else. But this experience, this child of mine brings it all into a different dimension.
So many decisions and so many assumptions all day long. He needs to eat or to sleep? Play or just cry a little? Is his stomach aching or is it a fart, teething? Vaccine? Is he sick? Does he have fever? Is he dressed enough or too much? The more people around the more answers to these questions, the more involved people are in the life of Itai the stronger they feel about it… And in some strange way, you feel more alone.
No one really understands you, when you explain it to another person they look at you with this impatient look of “really, that’s your problem?”. You are alone because of this feeling of not knowing if you are doing it right. You are alone because of ‘knowing’ that you are right but you don’t get to have the last word every time, because you are not the only one who is in charge.
We live in a world where we find it harder to negotiate and to make decisions together, we prefer to live alone, to work from home, to fuck when and where we want. The western world makes it easier and easier to be a functional unit all by ourselves. All those courses preaching you to be yourself, make what’s good for you, make yourself happy. It’s almost a religion.
But I feel that this ongoing negotiation, all those people involved in the nurturing, make it so that Itai will experience a wide variety of responses, emotions and approaches, learn that the human experience is so rich and diverse. This also means I am not always right.
Am I alone or am I part of a wide spectrum of human behavior and identity? Being a two-spirited parent helped me to be more receptive and inclusive. Parents are just trying their best in a world that tries to avoid conflict and “I do it my way” is a statement of empowerment.
I WON’T DO IT MY WAY, I’ll negotiate my way with the world around us, with my co-parent, my partner, her partner, my collective, her collective. Is it better? Who knows. I hope this will raise a person that makes decisions negotiating with the other, with the society he lives in and the nature surrounding us all.
So, was I more alone without a child, doing whatever I felt like, making my own decisions about my life, my time and my future plans? Maybe I was more alone?
Complete Freedom is complete loneliness – go figure…
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