Relating Vs. Relationshiop

It works because people want to have fun and give pleasure and, they are actually looking for relating (not necessarily a relationship). However there is also a place for people who come to cum (just horny after long day at work or doing everything fast because they can’t handle their guilt and shame), which creates different types of connections.

Another beer, a new guy and all this time i felt my partner in my neck, in my lower back, in my heart. I leaned to ask if he was OK? Although I knew he was, but i wanted to get his attention. We kissed like we kiss in bed alone, however this time we were in a big dark room, people were watching, while 4 guys were touching us and each other.

Our kiss was different, had a different rhythm, a different frequency but still it was not exclusive when an Asian man came to join us, we were ready to share our kiss with his beautiful dark eyes. Our kiss was enriched by his tongue and his rhythm. I was in a different universe, so much was happening around us. Supported by the thin wall behind me i realized that we are not the center, there is no center.

Queerly normal

For me it feels like a collective of men that yearn for male to male love. For centuries the monotheistic world was oppressing, silencing and shaming any sign of public affection and now we are  grabbing everything we can. Because for us, neither tomorrow nor yesterday, is safe

And indeed the day after we were fearful, instead of celebrating the openness of our relationship and the fact that we took care of our bodies and mind.

Nevertheless, the fear from HIV was alive (absurd because there’s an available and cheap cure to HIV in Europe but to Hepatitis C not). We tried to ignore it, not mentioning it in our conversation but every cough was a sign. Sometimes i think that promiscuous sex (gay sex?) is such an evil thing, that something bad has to happen. But there is something rooted in me, almost ancestral, that is expecting the worse.

The gay/queer scene is moving between two extremes and most of us are living with this duality. The first is the need and wish to be normal, have a family, children, go to the army or the bank, serve the society as everyone else. But the other part wants to break all rules and norms- Monogamy, gender, family structure. Moreover, the political structure that divides and separates us, giving us rights to marry, convincing us that we are normal. At the same time it creates a world view where liberal western identity accepts LGBTI while the rest of the world doesn’t.

Every right we receive in the west doesn’t seem to help Egypt, Russia, Eastern Europe and many more countries. In this context, how does solidarity action can be manifested?

To this point, society didn’t manage to convince us that we are as normal as everybody else when we hear daily how bad it is for gay men in ‘distant’ countries. Still, gay men in our circles are facing homophobia and loneliness. Why is chemsex killing our new generation here in Europe? Why is suicide still so high?  Why are still so many gay men coming out of the closet in their forties or fifties or never? The world is still not safe for us. We can party in the street once a year but we still can’t hold hands without checking the street name.

After being invisible and persecuted for centuries, we rose and then came the Nazis, we rose again and then the AIDS epidemic started (and the indifference of the governments) and now we just act out of fear (with little interest from the system).

We carry a wound of lack of touch and guilt for our desires. Learning  fast and alone that we need to protect ourselves, keep secrets even from our parents. Lack of intimacy of generations doesn’t just disappear with gay marriage. Adopting failed heterosexual monogamy doesn’t solve anything. Having a ‘normal’ job was never a big problem for white men.

We got the wrong remedy.

Is intimacy the answer? well, its my answer!

Society tells us that sex parties, promiscuous, open relationships and sporadic sex is bad.  I truly understand that not everyone can do it, some gay men do feel vulnerable in those places (some, not all, through internalizing the society’s point of view). Yet, I believe that sporadic sex and promiscuousness can be part of a healing process.

We did it for centuries, as a very risky act, just to get some intimacy. Now we can do it, be loved for 10 minutes, be touched and laugh in an environment where you invent what intimacy is for you. You connect with your desires and fantasies, you connect with your brothers not necessarily knowing their name, you kiss a boy just because he is there. Some attract you some reject you, you choose how close you would like to be.

Our community is big and diverse. We are nerds, bohemians, we come in all colors, with different sensitivities. but we have a role in our societies. The role of opening options, expanding what is possible and learning to judge less. Whether it’s a closeted man or a gay activist we will be sensitive to queerness, to weirdness, each from his own reason. We will be more open to the different because we are the different from within.

We have the same color as our communities, we talk their language, their codes. But we all know that rules are to be broken, that the human experience can’t be confined. Some of us might be cowards, some more brave, some will make excuses, some will go all the way.  But in our little spaces, communities, we know we are different.

Being different does not necessarily mean to be the good force in society, nor the most liberal. Gays were taking part in the most horrible events in history, trying to fit in, chasing normality,hoping society will see us as equal, proving our loyalty.

That is why breaking the concepts of gender, sexuality and sex puts us in the front line of social liberation. We defy social norms, taking off our cloths, almost naked in the gay parades. The gay scene is known as promiscuous and we demand society to watch and accept other manifestations of love and joy.

As we left the bar exhausted and happy, we realized, we can’t do this frequently, our bodies can’t handle this.  Showering with our last strength, in the morning after we woke up to a huge hang over and an easy morning sex exercise. I call it like this because its so sweet and natural, no complicated postures and no need to cum, without the passion and intensity that porn sells….

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