It’s August, I think 2009, and I’ve gone to the beach with my girlfriend – as I’ve been doing more and more in the summer months since we started dating.

For the last 2 years we’ve been in a fairly traditional relationship – shaped by fairly traditional family images. But something in both of us pulls us out of this traditionalism. We are young, we are well-behaved, modern, want to do things differently and more openly, and allow everything that comes into our heads in these revolutionary years. So the two of us went to a nudist beach, as we often do when we can. Something that is not really considered normal in my home countr, not even nowadays. 

After getting up very early, today we ended up at a beach that is new to us. We had to drive a lot longer to get there and had to plan a lot of excuses in advance so that we could both go on this trip alone, without friends or siblings. We also heard a lot of things about the beach. The loosest hippie corner in Andalusia. Many people from all over Andalusia meet there and are naked on the beach, and it’s quite normal! 

We arrived very early. We wanted to secure a good private spot. 

Slowly the clock strikes 12 and just like many popular beaches in Andalusia, the lack of space is something quite normal. It’s getting crowded and our private spot is soon not so private anymore. Being so close to other naked people is something new for both of us. 

We are so close I can almost smell the genitals of my neighbours. Of course it’s attractive, but at the same time it’s forbidden. Look at the ground, look at your girlfriend or look at the sea. The other naked people are cannot to be looked at. 

We both have a childhood where nudity wasn’t really there, especially for me. I had not seen other naked people apart from porn actors and myself until I started naturism. Through those summers we got a bit more used to seeing naked people. This brought lightness into our lives – it’s very noticeable. 

I’ve come to understand much better how different bodies can be.

Somehow, though, I really don’t want to accept or notice how often I look at men in secret. Most of them don’t look like they do on TV or the PC… But the dicks? And the balls? I never expected anything like that. A world of surprises! It didn’t even compare to hours of daily porn consumption. A couple of times I’ve seen guys come out of the water a little more peacefully than they went in. I would have liked to watch more directly, but unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to do that yet… I’m not  gay. 

So many shapes, sizes, colours, lengths, hair… As I said, life is full of surprises. 

I already felt that these organs gave me a special excitement. I realised this when I was given my first porn film, “Cock-tail”, in a music CD case by a buddy, and all the time I could only look at the huge hard cocks of the actors. How they twitched! Oh my God. 

An excitement I can feel, but which is not allowed. You don’t do things like that. My body contracts. Hide! No one can read my mind here! The arousal can only be allowed in my room, with the doors closed, or in the bathroom. After all, the fantasies only come because of all the pornography…. 

My erect penis (hidden) is mine. No, I don’t like men, I’m not gay. It’s not healthy. I just want to be able to compare dicks. Am I that macho? Is mine that big? 

It must be lunchtime and my girlfriend is taking a siesta. I’ve already noticed some men climbing over the rocks of a cliff at the end of the beach and not coming back for a long time. I know my curiosity. After much deliberation, I tell my friend that I want to see where there is to walk to. I put on my flip-flops and swimming trunks and go for a walk. 

As I start to climb these rocks, a guy, probably 40-something, who has noticed how I have looked at him before without permission, comes towards me. He is nice. He asks me if I don’t want to wear different shoes. I say “That’s all right. What can you discover there?”. “La Cortina, a small waterfall after a small beach” he says. “Be careful, when the tide comes in it’s much harder to get back. You’ll probably have another two hours to do it”. 

I walk quite dutifully over the rocks. A couple of guys have also come towards me. Somehow they look at me like the guys from porn movies. Somehow I feel a completely different energy right now, I am on a journey in this fantasy world.  Oops! Don’t fall off!  I can see the beach already. 

Some guys are lying there naked. La Cortina. It’s not at all as crowded as where we were lying. 

As I walk through this little beach, I notice some of these guys looking at each other, some even playing with their hard dicks – in “hide and seek” mode.  Others are just walking around, bathing or busy eating or reading a book. 

I’m still wearing my swimsuit. I’d love to be able to take it off and show myself off to these guys too. But… what am I actually doing with this half boner? Oh God! Am I gay?! It’s porn, but now it’s REAL! Keep walking, there’s “La Cortina” at the end! HIV!!!  God!!! My parents!! It’s better to die! I should be getting back by now. What about my girlfriend? She must be worried! What should I tell her? Nothing! Just “La Cortina!” Oh! Wow, a hot guy! What’s he doing? Yoga? La Cortina! All right, I’ll be right here. OH WOW! They’re really fucking! I stare. Can’t move. My hard-on is no longer half, it hurts! I walk back a little. This live porn is a bit too much for me right now. I’d better walk back. 

Wow, I’m full of lust drops… my whole body doesn’t know where to go, stretch, don’t let the muscles close again. My head’s definitely in head rush mode. Away, far away. I am everywhere but not with me.  My soul… Hidden, it has nothing to do here. Feelings I don’t have. These guys. Wow. Where am I? It feels like paradise… No this is definitely more like hell. 

I’m almost at the end of this little beach. “Somewhat” calmer. I find a somewhat hidden spot and sit down for a moment. I play with my cock, this pressure has to come out quickly. 

Three guys come up behind me together. I can see them, they can’t see me. They start touching each other, kissing, their cocks getting harder. Wow they are so sexy. I want to be like that someday. One is very feminine and likes to be told what to do by the others. Yeah… I don’t want to be one of those. If gay then macho, so I’m not really gay either, I just fuck asses and don’t have to fight others anymore.

I suddenly notice someone looking at me, I got caught! I’m paralysed. It’s him. The guy from before. He came back. Wow. He’s naked in front of me. Mega stiff cock. Such a beautiful man. And now? I get up from my hiding spot. He comes closer. My legs start to shake, my breathing gets faster and faster, I’m kind of frozen, but my whole body is twitching. He is coming closer and closer. My breathing is getting faster and heavier. My pelvic floor is like switched to explosion mode. Programme error, everything and nothing, pleasure, pain. The forbidden and the permitted. 

Without exchanging a word, he reaches out and holds me by the waist. Our bodies come closer, we touch. Ah, ah ah, ah ah ah, My cock touches his, I can smell it. His mouth comes closer, he wants to kiss me! Oh! Wow! No! Fuck! Yes! Ah! Ah! Ah! AH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My whole body is twitching, I can’t hold myself, I’ve ejaculated, I can’t feel my hips and legs. I fall to the floor. I can’t feel my legs. What have I done! Why! Go into the water! Clean yourself up! Go back! Come on! Move! Run away!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!! And I’m gone. 

But I didn’t run away from the situation, I just passed out. I wake up again. It was only for a moment. He held me, I didn’t fall on the floor. He asks me if everything is ok. I say: “Yes. Excuse me.” My body is still shaking but I can stand up. I take my clothes and get dressed. Without saying a word more I walk back. Many thoughts flood my mind. Many fears that I can’t place. Many things all at once. But most of all… what am I going to tell my girlfriend now? What if someone tells her? They all know I’m gay. No, that can’t happen. I’d better kill myself. I’ll move back to Cordoba, so I can end my relationship without causing her so much pain. 

Pull yourself together. You’re a man. Nothing happened. It’ll be forgotten. Come on, pull yourself together. You know what it’s like to be a real man. You have to be. It was just like being in the bathroom or in the room with the doors closed. But it was real, I felt it. 

My legs still aren’t really there… Have they ever been there at all? Take a deep breath…