This is part two of an article by our dear Moxe. To read part one, click here.
I believe there is a social context that tells people how to act, what to feel in certain situations and what is wrong or right. The collective mind is sometimes controlling the personal mind and the body stays silent. What do I want and what does my body want?
Moreover, the tension between the body and the mind correlates with the tension between society and the individual. We are part of our surroundings. The family that raised us, our work space and the groups of friends with whom we spend our free time – They are us, we are part of them. Some groups challenge society, creating new norms, some try to blend in. We all want to be desired and loved, we all have a perception about what the others expect from us; feeling guilty and bad because gay sex is “wrong”, because having an orgasm is a sin, because enjoying random sex means I am a whore.
These are all examples of the social mind inside us, but also the collective gay mind has power on us, one of the biggest expectations in the gay world is penetration. Its not sex without penetration, you have to choose a side and act upon it, so many men on Grindr just want to cuddle and chat, watch a movie or kiss, but in the end there are two viable options: fuck and/or suck, creating a situation where we will look for sex when we’re really looking for intimacy.
Moreover, we are supposed to know what we want and be able to communicate it. On social media, on the couch of the therapist and with friends – All expect us to know what we want. If my borders were crossed I must be angry and vengeful. People who can’t hear my NO are bad people. Actually, many times my body wants one thing and the brain another, I believe I listen to my partner but actually I just wait for affirmation for what I want. My body senses that something is wrong but the mind doesn’t register it. So the physical body, the machine functions, being excited and saying yes. The mind is confused, the body as well and everyone tells us that there is wrong and right, good and bad, increasing the guilt, the silence.
My client was able to communicate what he wanted inside the therapy room, feeling more and more confident and more perceptive but outside the safe room the challenges are much more complex, full of temptations and expectations. It isn’t just a personal task but also a social task, listening to your own body is the first step.
How can we live in peace between the society in our head and our personal desires? How can we understand the borders of our body, of our mind? How can we challenge it without entering the trauma place? How can we establish a balance between the two? Do the mind and body want different things? Can we trust one of them alone?
The next time you have sex, random or with your partner, try this exercise: check with your body how close you want to be, get closer and closer very slowly and breathe. Each contact you receive and give, question them. Try to look after your partner and ask before moving from one stage to the other… maybe the sex won’t be the best, the animal passionate part will be suspended in this encounter, but you will learn so much about yourself.